Twickenham U15's Rugby Team - Mick's Ditty
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, I am going to recite for you a ditty,
I promise you it’s not too long, and I do hope you find it witty.
So all sit back and relax for just a moment if you please,
Whilst I tell you all a story, about my time with you Tees.
Loz and I go back a long way, back when I was in charge,
God’s work done it was to Ollie’s wine bar, where we would all go large,
There we would practice our rugby skills, rucking and lineouts too,
Oh yes, so very childish, but oh what fun to do.
They say rugby is a game for life, my work done I had time to spare,
So I decided to try some coaching just to see how I would fair.
Loz said, Mick come and work with me, I have great players I don’t do dross,
But there is one thing you must remember, I am now your bl**dy boss!
The first night I turned up at training there was so much new to do,
Bridges, Pads and Auckland grids, I really didn’t have a clue.
“Mick don’t look so worried, you’ll get the hang of it in a few games”,
But rugby wasn’t the problem, it was just remembering the boys’ names.
At last the drills were over, great, a practice game to play,
Now I could run around the park like I did in my heyday.
“Mick, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” was Loz’s stern reproach
“You’re not here to play ble*din’ rugby you’re here to bl**dy coach!”
Lee coaches all our girls, in the art of modern back play.
S1 hits, Starbursts and other tricks they practice every Wednesday.
Lee us forwards have just one question, for with you we have no truck,
But how come ya girls never get their shorts dirty or get their heads stuck in a ruck?
In November we travelled down to Brighton, on the very coldest winter’s day.
The opposition were massive, under 15? There was just no way.
Billy Kerr and Kenny tackled for England, whilst JFK sought someone to fight,
Then Jack Foster and Joe Griffin went off injured, they both had severe frost bite.
Jack Rooke now where are you? Oh I see him over there,
He’s the lad who’s always talking, that’s him with the short black hair.
Now Jack is master of the Auckland Grid, where he always puts on a show,
Yes he now holds the club record he dropped seven passes in a row.
Lewis’s first League game was at Finchley, and his talent was clear to all.
With his support play, hard tackling and in securing our lineout ball.
But it is Alex See and JFK, who have a story one day to tell,
However did they manage to tackle that lard arse Gabrielle?
Richard Purvis, James Boultbee and Jack Parkin are part of our young front row,
They are fast improving and have become a dynamic trio.
But in the front row it’s not enough just to work hard and play good rugby,
Like Loz you now need to pile on the pounds and start to look real ugly.
Prithvi is our most versatile forward, he used to play centre with the girls.
But now he’s joined us rufty-tufties, so he’s shaved off all his curls.
As a coach there is just one sight for me, a pleasure to behold,
Prithvi charging ball in hand, then dipped shoulder and a sweet offload.
Remember the League game at Ealing, when the ref had a real shocker?
In fact the coaches and the boys all thought he was just another Grasshopper.
So, Billy pulled the ref for a chat, you know sort of bloke to bloke,
He told the ref he was a total t*sser and that his refereeing was an ffffing joke.
Big Al is one of our best forwards, who hails from the Ukraine,
That is probably why he likes to play in the snow and p*ssing rain.
On the pitch you get just what you see and of that we are all glad,
Big, fit fast and strong and just perhaps a little mad.
Carol is our hardworking manager and mother hen to all our boys,
Forever chasing them on the website making sure they put away their toys,
Always there on a Sunday even when the sun don’t shine,
Ever on the lookout for a handsome boy, or a glass of good red wine.
Francis is one of our new recruits, who joined us as a wing/back,
But at night he only ever dreamed of having a run out with our pack
All the tackling, rough and tumble after which a boy could ever hanker,
So now he’s left the girls and started a new life as a flanker.
Ed Payne is our prop forward and Vice Captain of our team,
Big, strong and fiery with a reputation for being really mean.
Against Wimbledon he briefly left the touchline, a substitution being allowed.
He popped on, whacked their hooker and then disappeared back in the crowd.
Against Effingham Harry Gibbons had a great game, and showed us all his tricks,
And with a minute to go and for a win we asked that he put the ball between the sticks.
But Archie allowed the charge down, the Kiwi pl*nker he didn’t know the law,
And so for all our bl**dy hard work we only got a draw.
I remember one night at training, Loz told us to perfect our lineout calls,
We went away and worked real hard, trying not to drop the balls,
But it was The Brendan move that I remember most, for it very nearly was my last,
Bl**dy Rhys came charging round the front and dumped me on my arse.
Gary you are a fine coach and to be a top ref I know you’re keen,
I asked Carol to dish the dirt on you, but she says you’re squeaky clean.
Top clubs have foreign coaches and from the Rainbow Nation we have yourself
Folks I think we have been bl**dy lucky, sh*t we could have got someone Welsh!
Our team has so many wingers Ollie, George, Adam, James, Sam Kitch, Sam Yamuah and Luke are just a few that I can name,
For Lee selection is a nightmare, for only two can play a game.
In the League Ollie has played really well this year, and his skills have stood the test,
But Ollie for God’s sake don’t look over ya shoulder, for here come all the rest.
James Stone we nicknamed ‘pretty boy’ he drives our forwards potty,
He thinks he’s so bl**dy handsome and he doesn’t share his totty.
On the field James is a very fine player, great sidestep and tackles hard,
And as Barnet found out to their cost you just can’t give him half a yard.
Ross Cowell is our brave number nine and Joe Griffin a skilful eight,
However, between these two young bucks I have noted a little rivalry just of late.
In the clubhouse someone let out a cry and I noticed some anxious faces,
But it was only Ross and Joe having a spat, throwing handbags at fifty paces.
Adam Blake is a winger, who had not scored a try in nearly four years,
Missed tackles and dropped passes had reduced the lad to tears,
The problem was so simple, without contact lenses he just could not see,
Adam, I blame your parents and have rung the NSPCC.
Harry Shep is by far our smallest forward, but a good player in every way,
If only we could persuade his parents to give him three meals a day.
But with our Harry it is his courage which sets this boy apart,
For in rugby it is not just size that counts, but the size of a boy’s heart.
One of our most improved players, Josh Dowden is his name,
He always gives 100% be it in squad training or in a game.
What has been the secret of his success and how has he avoided failure?
Hard work, hard work, hard work, hard work and the odd blast from his inhaler.
Chris Wheatley has had a fine season and us forwards think he’s ok.
He doesn’t wear fancy coloured boots, or sulk when things don’t go his way.
Andrew Nettle and Alex Rose are both strong and secure under the high ball.
Perhaps Lee I have been a little hasty, and ya girls aren’t bad after all!
Big Steve is our team captain he’s the strong and silent type,
He’s tough and totally dependable, with him forget the hype.
This season our boys were unlucky, they played well and were never out done,
But next year we need to work even harder to earn a place in Division 1.
Oscar is our team mascot, he’s known as Oz to all the boys,
He much prefers to be at the club than home alone with just his toys.
You can’t miss him, with his blond hair, always running onto the field,
Or in the clubhouse dressed as St George, complete with helmet, sword and shield.
Successful rugby clubs have fine people working behind the scenes,
All grafting hard to get things done, by whatever legal means.
So to Sam Payne, Mel and Ray Purvis and Paula Wilson, a big thank you and a cheer,
Just make sure you catch me later, and I’ll buy you all a beer.
Boys please listen up, let’s for a moment set rugby apart
As a group of lads you are real special and I say that from my heart.
In the years to come you will move on, it’s just the way that things will be,
But you will all look back with pride, on the time when you were a Tee.
(To Lawrence, backroom staff, parents and especially and boys)
Thank you for making me feel so welcome, for the fun and happy days.
It has been a real pleasure knowing you, in so many different ways.
I do hope you have enjoyed my ditty and that nobody did I offend,
But for me now it’s all over, it’s done, it’ s THE END!
